Amnesia
by Thatoneloserkid
Summary: Lexa wakes up after an accident and can't remember the last year of her life. During that year she and Clarke broke up, she moved out of her apartment and into Lincoln's place. She shows up at Clarke's in the middle of the night for some answers.
1. Chapter 1

Clarke had ignored it at first, figuring it was someone looking for one of her neighbours but had just ended up at the wrong door, why else would someone be banging on her door at four am?

After the third, louder bang Clarke growled, throwing the covers off of her and stomped to her door, her mouth open, a harsh comment on the tip of her tongue before the door was even open.

She froze up as soon as she saw who _was_ there, though, her eyes running over a very wet, very battered and very bruised Lexa.

"Lexa, what happened to you?" Clarke asked, just managing to recover enough from her shock to step aside.

"Did we really break up?" Lexa croaked, her eyes shinning with tears as she entered Clarke's apartment. An apartment they used to share, their first home together. "They're all telling me we broke up two months ago but that can't be true." Lexa turned to Clarke with a pleading look in her watery eyes. "We were perfect together. You and me, we were forever, I knew that from the first date."

"Lexa," Clarke whispered in confusion. She hadn't seen this girl in a little over a month and now she is just showing up at her door like she doesn't remember the last couple of months of her life.

"Tell me they're lying." Lexa was begging her to tell her that, that everyone was lying and they were still very much together.

"I'm sorry, I can't." Clarke took a few tentative steps towards Lexa, eyeing the bruise that took up half of the woman's face. "What happened? Did someone hurt you?"

"I was hit by a car," Lexa sniffed, wiping at her nose. "I can't- I've lost the last year of my life."

"Babe," Clarke breathed, gently pulling Lexa into a hug, trying not to squeeze her to tight in case she was hurt. "Why didn't they call me?"

"I tried when I woke up but Lincoln told me we weren't together anymore." The pain in Lexa's voice made Clarke's chest ache.

"Let's get you something to change into. I still have a few of your shirts."

"I thought we broke up?"

"Just because we broke up doesn't mean I don't miss you." Clarke left Lexa standing in the door way and headed into her room to dig out one of Lexa's shirts, or at least pretend to dig out one of Lexa's shirts like she hadn't just been wearing one the night before.

Lexa had made her way into the living room and was hovering in the middle of the room, looking around at the pictures, or lack there of. The last time she had been here there was pictures pinned up all over the walls and now there was just a select few of Clarke and her family, and Clarke with Raven, Bellamy and Octavia. There was also a few small ones of Clarke with other friends. Lexa couldn't see any of her and Clarke, and that hurt.

She looked lost, but that didn't surprise Clarke.

"Here you go," Clarke said, startling Lexa out of her little daze, handing her her green flannel shirt.

"This is my favorite shirt,"

"Yeah," Clarke agreed, offering Lexa a calming, and somewhat cheeky, smile. "But you aren't getting it back."

Lexa didn't laugh, holding the shirt tentatively in her hands.

"I will go make hot chocolate, make yourself at home."

"This is my home," Lexa whispered, sounded detached as she stared down at the shirt.

"Not anymore, Lex." Clarke said carefully, "You moved out, went to live with Lincoln."

Lexa bobbed her head, her shoulders slumped and her head bowed in defeat.

"Get changed before you catch a cold,"

"You're a doctor," Lexa said as Clarke began walking away, making the blonde glance back at Lexa. "You know that's not how it works."

Clarke laughed quietly, nodding in agreement as she left the living room, making a quick stop to get her phone from her room and punched in Octavia's number.

"You realise what time it is, don't you?" Octavia growled sleepily.

"She was in an accident and you didn't think about telling me?" Clarke growled, trapping her phone in between her cheek and shoulder as she dug out a pot.

Octavia was silent for a few seconds, then there was rustling on the other end of the phone. "How do you know?"

"She showed up at my doors soaked through and looking like a lost fucking puppy."

"She what? She wasn't supposed to be discharged for another week or so."

"When did it happen?" Clarke asked, drawing a sigh from Octavia.

"A week ago."

"She's in bits, Octavia. She still thinks we are together." Clarke sighed, pouring the milk into the pot, leaning back against the counter beside the stove. "She looked so lost."

"Well, why aren't you?"

"What?"

"Together. Why aren't you both together? You both miss each other, I've seen the state of both of you over the past few months, why are you doing it to yourselves?"

"You know why,"

"Yeah, because of the thing with your dad but this could be your second chance."

Clarke sighed, rubbing her fingers over her forehead. "I'm not doing this, Octavia."

"I'll come pick her up," Octavia said quietly.

"No. No, it's fine. I will drive her to Lincoln's in the morning." Clarke ran her fingers through her hair, gently stirring the warming milk. "You should've told me, Octavia."

"We didn't know she wouldn't remember anything." Octavia admitted, "We didn't think you would care."

"You didn't think I would-" Clarke released an angry breath through her nose, running her hand over her face. "Fuck you, O."

"That's not that I meant. We didn't think it was your business, you both aren't together anymore."

"So what? You know she still means a lot to me."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Clarke sighed tiredly, "I'm gonna go, okay? I will drop her off in the morning."

"Okay, I am sorry, Clarke."

"Bye, Octavia." Clarke hung up the phone, placing it into the pocket of her pajama bottoms and took the pot off the burner.

Once she had made the hot chocolates, Clarke headed back into the living room, a fond little smile appearing on her lips when she noticed Lexa sitting on the sofa, dressed in nothing but the shirt Clarke had give her and her underwear, her legs tucked under herself. It reminded Clarke all to much of how it used to be.

"Are you hurt anywhere else?" Clarke asked, handing Lexa the mug and carefully sat down beside her, tucking her own legs under herself.

"My ribs. A few superficial cuts." Lexa answers quietly, cupping her mug in between her hands as a way of trying to warm herself up.

"And your head?"

"They said my memory might come back, eventually."

"Did you have a concision or?"

Lexa nodded, bringing her mug up to her lips and taking a sip. "Octavia said they didn't even think I would wake up at first."

"And she didn't even call me," Clarke growled under her breath, taking a drink of her hot chocolate, focusing on how it burned its way down her throat instead of how she wanted to march right over to Octavia's and just yell at her.

"We broke up,"

"That doesn't matter, Lex!" Clarke snapped, "We were together for five years, they should've told me that you might've died."

Lexa just nodded jerkily, swallowing thickly before bringing her mug up to her lips.

They both sat in silence, slowly drinking their hot chocolates until Clarke had woken up fully and Lexa had warmed up.

Lexa was still glancing around the living room, the picture of Clarke and her parents catching her eye.

"How are your parents doing?"

"My dad died almost a year ago."

Lexa almost choked on her hot chocolate, turning to Clarke with wide eyes. "What? Why didn't I know about that?"

"You did, Lexa, you were there when it happened." Clarke explained, "You were both at the football game, I couldn't go because I was working at the hospital. You were both in an accident, a car hit my dads side."

"I-" Lexa breathed, unsure of what to say.

"They thought you had survivors guilt and because you were driving you blame yourself,"

"Was it my fault?"

"No, the other driver ran a stop sign. You withdrew a lot, we both did, I couldn't deal with the fact my father had died and you said you couldn't look at me without guilt eating away at your insides."

Lexa swallowed, "I'm so sorry, Clarke."

"Don't, Lex. I never blamed you, not once."

"Is that when it started?" Lexa asked quietly, looking down at her now empty mug. "Is that why we broke up."

"Partially," Clarke agreed.

"You know," Lexa started, lifting her eyes to look at Clarke. "I went home after our fifth date, the one to the drive in movie, and I told Octavia I was going to marry you." She confessed. "What else changed?"

"Our circumstances, Lex. We couldn't cope, we were both working to much. I was working the graveyard shifts at work and you were working twelve hours a day but we couldn't afford not to. That had been going on for over a year, you remember that?"

Lexa shook her head solemnly. "No, the last thing I remember was Universal." Lexa answered with a sad little smile. "You remember, right? We spent most of the day in the Harry Potter section and we didn't leave until the place was closing. Then we went to city walk and ate a burger big enough that it made us both feel like crap."

"Yeah, that was a good day." Clarke agreed, smiling wistfully. "But after that is when it all started falling apart."

"Did we fall out of love with each other?"

"No. No, it was never that." Clarke assured softly, turning her body to face Lexa. "We just drifted apart, we sometimes went days without speaking to each other face to face and with the thing with my dad." Clarke shrugged, licking her dry lips. "You still blamed yourself and you thought us being together was causing me excess pain so you broke it off."

"I was the one who broke it off?" Lexa asked in surprise, looking completely astonished that she would be the one to end things.

"It was a long time coming, really. I was sleeping on the sofa more often than not, it would probably have gotten nasty if we didn't end it then."

"I still love you," Lexa admitted, "I know I don't remember any of the rough patch but I can feel it, I love you."

"I love you, I always will."

"Then why couldn't we work through it?"

"How could we? We didn't have time, we were both working ever chance we could."

"I quit my job,"

"I'm sorry?" Clarke frowned, setting her mug on the coffee table and turned to look at Lexa.

"Lincoln told me that's why we broke up so I quit," Lexa shrugged, "I don't want to be apart of something the ruined something so important to me. I hated the place anyway, it wasn't what I wanted to be doing."

Clarke didn't really know what to say to that, Lexa had never loved her job but she needed the money.  
"You- you can't just quit your job, Lexa. You need that job."

"No, I need you."

"That wasn't all it was, though, Lex." Clarke stressed, "It was more than just your job. It was mine, it was the thing with my dad, the thing with your parents. There was so may things going against us."

"I just thought we were worth fighting for."

"It was too much, for both of us. It was taking its toll on both of us," Clarke sighed. "We were fighting constantly, it would have ended with us hating each other."

Lexa didn't say anything, leaning forward to place her mug on the coffee table and rested her head in her hands.

"Are you ok?" Clarke asked, carefully reaching out to touch the back of Lexa's neck.

"I have a headache," Lexa whispered, "This has all been a little overwhelming."

"Do you want to go lie down?" Clarke questioned softly, gently massaging the woman's neck.

"Yeah, if that's ok?"

"Course," Clarke assured, setting her mug on the coffee table as she stood up.

Clarke lead Lexa into the bedroom, her heart clenching at the disorientated look on Lexa's face as she took in the changes. It must be strange, in her mind two months ago was yesterday, the changes to their apartment must be a lot for her.

"Do you need anything?"

Lexa's eyes flickered to Clarke, shaking her head timidly. "No, I'm-" Lexa's voice broke off, her eyes welling up again.

"Come here," Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa's neck, her own lip quivering when Lexa, the woman she had been in love with for most of her adult life, sobbed against her neck.

"It shouldn't be like this," Lexa weeped, her hands fisting the back of Clarke's shirt.

"We- we couldn't have seen this coming. Life just got in the way, there was honestly nothing we could do." Clarke whispered, giving Lexa's shoulder a little squeeze before taking a step back. "I'll crash on the couch."

Lexa caught her hand as she turned to leave, "Stay, please."

Clarke looked unsure until she remembered Lexa almost died, she deserved this little comfort. Nodding, Clarke rounded her side of the bed and sat down, watching Lexa as she gingerly climbed onto the mattress.

They laid side by side in silence for a good half an hour before Lexa turned on to her side to face Clarke.

"How is your residency going?"

"It's finished," Clarke answered, her head lolling to the side to look at Lexa. "I'm a surgeon now."

"No way," Lexa grinned and Clarke could feel her heart stammer in her chest at the proud look in Lexa's eyes. "That's great. How is that going?"

"Okay. I mean, me becoming a surgeon didn't help with our situation. And they've put me on leave for the next couple of days."

"Why?"

"My head hasn't really been in the game recently." Clarke admitted, "I threw myself into my work after we broke up, I was hardly sleeping, hardly eating. After two months it all got too much and I fainted at work, thankfully not during a surgery, my boss sent me home and told me to take the week off and if I come back and I'm still not back to normal I'm fired."

"If anyone knows the dangers of not eating and sleeping it's you. You used to rhyme off a list of dangers to me when we were in university." Lexa said and for the first time that night a little smile pulled its way onto her lips.

She honestly can't remember the last time they just laid together, it was probably a good six months before they broke up.

"I'm really proud of you, you know? For becoming a surgeon, you deserve it, you worked really hard to get to where you are."

"Thank you," Clarke smiled before admitting quietly. "I'm not sure it was worth it, though."

Lexa swallowed. "Were we friends?"

"I haven't seen you in over a month." Clarke flipped into her front, resting her cheek on her arm. "I couldn't, Lex, I couldn't be your friend."

"Things must have been really bad if I ended things because I've never been so in love with anyone in my life."

"That just wasn't enough,"

"It was, it always was, but life go in the way." Lexa breathed. "Can we try and work through it?"

"What if you suddenly remember have you felt after my father's death? What if you start pulling away again?" Clarke questioned. "I can't go through that again."

"I won't. I might not remember that feeling but I will _never_ forget this feeling, the feeling of loosing you. Nothing has every hurt like this."

"Friends." Clarke offered. "Friends is all I can do right now."

"Of course," Lexa quickly agreed. "Anything. I just need you in my life."

Clarke smiled shyly at that, gently touching the back of Lexa's hand. "You should sleep. You apparently just woke up from a weeklong coma."

"Which logically should mean I'm not tired." Lexa said with a little laugh.

"I'm afraid that's not how it works."

Lexa hummed, her eyes slipping closed. "Don't be to mad at them for not telling you," she whispered sleepily.

"I am, I'm pissed but that something I will deal with tomorrow."

"They must have had a reason."

"There is no good reason to not tell me that the girl I love almost died."

Lexa looked like she wanted to agree but just settled for humming softly. "Goodnight, Clarke."

"Goodnight, Lexa."


	2. Chapter 2

"You have no fucking idea how pissed I am," Clarke growled as she marched into Octavia's apartment.

She had just dropped Lexa off at Lincoln's place with a watery smile and a shy little kiss on the cheek. She headed straight to Octavia's place after.

"How could you? She could have _died_ and I wouldn't have been there!" Clarke snapped, wheeling around to look at Raven who was sitting on the couch, watching Clarke attentively as she went at Octavia. Octavia had warned her prior to Clarke showing up to just let her vent, to not interject and she was going to do that. "And _you_ , I can't believe you were on board with this."

"I wasn't, I actually suggested we should call you." Raven shrugged, looking almost disinterested and that pissed Clarke off. Lexa had almost died. Clarke had almost not been there when Lexa had died.

"That why didn't you?"

"Octavia asked me not to."

"Ah, and you are that fucking whipped that you did as you were told?"

"Listen, I get that you are angry, I can't say I blame you," Raven started, pushing herself off the sofa and walking directly into Clarke's space, levelling her eyes on Clarke's. She looked almost bored but there was a flair on anger in her eyes. "But don't come into my home and come at me and my girlfriend. Maybe if you didn't give up so easily on your relationship the hospital would have called you instead of Lincoln."

" _Raven_ ," Octavia warned but Raven shook her head.

"No, she came in here and came at _us_. And it's somewhat justified but so is what I'm saying." Raven said to Octavia before levelling her eyes back on Clarke who was looking ten times more furious than before. "Your girlfriend had survivors guilt and you didn't know how to deal so when Lexa gave you an out you took it."

Clarke's jaw clenched and her fingers rolled up into a fist, she wanted to hit something -probably Raven- both Raven and Octavia could tell just by her body language.

"Tell me I'm wrong? Tell me that you didn't get scared with what Lexa was becoming."

"I was fucking hurting too!" Clarke exploded, her hands shaking as she pointed at herself, her eyes watering out of frustration, pain, anger. Everything that had been building up over the past year. "It was my dad who died that day and the one person who I wanted to be around couldn't even look at me! I was fighting to keep my own head above water I couldn't keep us both going."

Raven's hard eyes softened and Clarke realised that this was exactly what Raven wanted, she wasn't going after Clarke maliciously she wanted to get a rise out of her. She wanted Clarke to realise what she had been feeling back then, what she had been feeling leading up to the breakup. Both Octavia and Raven knew Clarke hadn't let herself feel the break up, not really, she had thrown herself into work, she had gone out Bellamy and Murphy whenever the hospital wouldn't give her shifts. She busied her mind so she didn't have to feel what was happening.

"You were both suffering," Raven placed a hand on Clarke's shoulder and gave it a little squeeze. "And I know you were hurting, fuck, Clarke, you lost a parent, but what was happening to Lexa; that was something akin to PTSD. In her mind she thought that she took away the most important person in your life, can you blame her for not being able to look at you?"

Clarke's lip quivered as tears rushed to her eyes. "I didn't know how to help, I couldn't even help myself." She croaked, a tear leaking from the corner of her eye when she blinked.

"It wasn't your job to help her, Clarke, we all fucked up. We should have forced her to see someone." Octavia placed a reassuring hand on Clarke's lower back. "This isn't down to you."

"She doesn't remember right now which, as fucked up as this might sound, is a good thing. But, one day, it might all come rushing back to her and then we _all_ need to get her help." Raven reassured. "But Clarke, you love that girl, so build back up what you guys had because you will kick yourself if you don't."

"I shouldn't-I didn't mean to just give up on her." Clarke sniffed.

"We know," Octavia said softly.

"You were hurting, you didn't have it in you to fight. Now you do,"

"I said we can start off as friends." Clarke said, wiping the wetness from under her eyes with her sleeve.

"That'll be a good start." Raven smiled reassuringly. "And I'm sorry for what I said before, I didn't mean to be so harsh."

"No," Clarke shook her head, pushing her fingers through her hair. "No, I needed it."

"Do you still love her?" Raven asked, though she was pretty sure of the answer.

"So much,"

"Good, because that nerd worships the ground you walk on." Raven said with a cheeky little smirk. "Shame, because your feet fucking stink."

"Oh, fuck off." Clarke huffed out a watery laugh, giving Raven's shoulder a little punch.

"God, you two are such _bros_ ," Octavia rolled her eyes at her friends. "I really am sorry, Clarke."

"I know, I am, too, for coming in here and yelling."

"It's cool,"

"I'm going to go, I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm running on fumes here."

"Yeah, you really need to start looking after yourself." Octavia warned.

"I will,"

* * *

Clarke slept for a little over four hours once she got home. When she woke up she padded into the living room, feeling completely lost, not entirely sure what to do with herself. After five minutes of moving around the apartment she found herself back on her bed with her phone against her ear.

"Clarke?" The sound of her name from Lexa's lips had her ginning like an idiot.

"I see you still remember how to use a phone, then."

"Are you mocking my injury?" Lexa gasped playfully. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything is fine."

"Can you remember when we first started dating? You would do this thing where you would call me and just ask me to tell you a story." Lexa reminisced. "Is that what this is?"

"I guess I haven't changed much since I was eighteen," Clarke said with a little laugh.

"No, clearly not." Lexa agreed, the smile evident in her voice. "Well, how about I tell you about the time I Anya tried to sell me to buy the new Pokemon game?"

"What?" Clarke laughed. "Why have you never told me this?"

Lexa and Clarke stayed on the phone to each other for a good hour and a half before Lexa was dosing off.

"You're falling asleep, I'll let you go."

"M'fine,"

"You are not. You have your sleepy voice on."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Lexa huffed.

"You do. Your sexy, gravely voice means you're tired." Clarke said challengingly, daring Lexa to argue. "Go to sleep, I will call you tomorrow."

Lexa whined like a petulant child, "I don't wanna."

"I don't care," Clarke shot back in the same whiney tone. "Goodnight, Woody."

"Fine," Lexa huffed. "Goodnight, Griff."

* * *

 _Belle [15:16]: r u comin out with us tonight? We r goin to that gay club u like_

Clarke stared down at her phone and, under normal circumstances she would have agreed instantly, anything to get her out of the house but tonight was different. Hell, _everything_ was different now.

 _C-Griff [15:20]: not tonight belle, I have plans_

 _Belle [15:21]: Lexa?_

 _C-Griff [15:22]: hopefully_

 _Belle [15:24]: glad to know we r of no use to u anymore_

Clarke ignored the bitchy message and instead pulled up Lexa's number, trapping the phone between her shoulder and ear as she searched for her car keys.

"Hello?" Lexa panted causing Clarke's eyebrows to raise.

"We're you busy?" She asked carefully.

"No. I mean, yeah, I was running, but I'm not too busy to talk to you. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight? At my place. Maybe watch a few movies?"

"Yes," Lexa answered eagerly. "Yeah, definitely."

"Okay. I mean I have to go get groceries and run a few errands but seven tonight?"

"Sure, I'll be there." Lexa agreed. "Do you need me to bring anything?"

"No, that's ok."

"Okay, love-" Lexa trailed off from her usual goodbye. "See you soon."

"Yeah," Clarke sighed, ending the call and sliding her phone into her pocket.

* * *

Lexa was at her door five minutes before seven, dressed in a pair of black skinny jeans and her old university sweatshirt, her smile hidden behind a Daisy, Clarke's favourite flower.

"You're early."

"I considered sitting on my car for the next five minutes but-" Lexa shrugged, holding out the flower to Clarke.

"Thank you," Clarke smiled, plucking the flower from Lexa and smelling it. "Living room. I have snacks."

"I thought we would be watching Netflix?" Lexa asked, eyeing the small stack of DVDs on the table.

"Nah, those are some of the movies you watched and loved over the past year, I thought we could watch them again."

Lexa nodded dumbly, a little taken aback by the thoughtfulness, eyeing the dvd on top of the stack.

"They made a live action jungle book?" Lexa gawped, picking up the DVD and looking at the back.

"That was your favourite. I've never seen you so giddy to watch something before." Clarke chuckled, taking the DVD from Lexa and walking over to the tv.

Clarke set up the DVD before settling down on the sofa beside Lexa, who looked a little out of place for someone who actually picked out the sofa she was sitting on.

"Thank you for this, it was really thoughtful."

"You were always saying how you wanted to forget your favourite movies so you could experience them again." Clarke shrugged. "I never thought it would actually happen though."

"I suppose that's one of the upsides of all this, I get to relive these."

Clarke hummed, tucking her legs under herself and leaning her elbow on the back of the sofa, probing her head up on her fist.

"Is there anything else I need to know about myself?" Lexa asked, her head turning toward Clarke but her eyes didn't move from the TV.

"Oh, yeah, you got this _huge_ back tattoo."

"What?" Lexa shot up into sitting position, looking over her shoulder as if she would be able to see her back. "Of what?"

Clarke snorted, causing Lexa's head to snap to her, a glare settling on her face when she say Clarke's little smile. "Oh, that's cold. You are making fun of the fact I can't remember anything."

"The old Lexa used to have a sense of humour." Clarke's eyebrow twitched as she grinned at Lexa.

"The old Clarke was never this mean," Lexa pouted, falling back against the sofa with a little 'hmph'.

"Now that's a lie," Clarke threw her legs over Lexa's thighs, her head resting against the arm of the sofa.

"Mm, that's true," Lexa hummed, her hands subconsciously rubbing Clarke's shins. "You were always an asshole."

Clarke merely hummed in agreement, her little grin not leaving her lips as she turned back to the TV.

* * *

Clarke was jerked awake by Lexa stirring against her, Clarke took a few seconds to register the position they were in. Clarke must have falling asleep with her legs over Lexa's lap and Lexa fell asleep with her head on Clarke's stomach, it was comfortable, familiar, and Clarke would have savoured it if it wasn't for the little frown on Lexa's face. She was dreaming, something horrible if the shallow breathing and stirring was anything to go by.

Clarke ran her fingers through Lexa's hair in an attempt to calm her but it only seemed to make it worse

Lexa startled awake, her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. She looked frenzied, terrified until her eyes landing on Clarke.

"It was only a dream, you're ok." Clarke said softly, sliding her hand up to Lexa's neck, her thumb gently tracing Lexa's jawline.

Lexa blinked, trying to get her head straight. "Sorry, I, uh- did I wake you?"

"That's doesn't matter," Clarke assured, sitting up and pulling Lexa against her. "What was it?"

"I don't know, nothing, I don't think. It was just dark, and there was loud noises, like people screaming for help but there was nothing I could do. I _tried_ to move but it was like something was holding me down, pressing on my chest and I couldn't breath. And then there was this really loud screeching noise before I woke up."

Clarke nodded, her hand rubbing Lexa's back calmingly. "Those are the ones you used to have, after the accident with my dad."

"But how- I don't _remember_ how can I still be having those nightmares?"

"I don't know, I mean, your subconscious mind is different from memory. Your memories were altered when you were hit but your subconscious mind still remembers it."

"Clarke, I- it felt so real."

"You had survivors guilt, which is a lot like PTSD." Clarke pulled back to look down at Lexa, an apologetic look in her eyes. "We should've gotten you help, you were drowning, you needed help. I should have gotten you help, I should've looked after you."

"Clarke, your father died. You couldn't have been expected to help me, not with what you were no doubt going through. Hell, I should've been the one helping you."

"You couldn't have,"

"No, I could have. If I had just gotten my head out of my ass-"

"It wasn't that simple, Lexa. Like I said, what you were going through was a lot like PTSD. It wasn't that you were just a little distracted, the chemistry in your brain changed completely. Your brain, it was malfunctioning, I suppose. Three specific regions, all of which are associated with the stress response and emotion, are altered in people who suffer from survivors guilt." Clarke explained, almost smiling at the look at awe on Lexa's face. It was a look she always had when Clarke would speak about sciencey stuff. "You might have wanted to help, to be more present, but your brain wouldn't let you."

"Well, my brain is an asshole."

Clarke huffed out a laugh at that, her fingertips skimming down Lexa's arm. "None of us were at fault, not completely. We were both a mess."

"One thing I didn't forget was how much I loved it when you talked nerdy to me."

"Yeah, you were always more into that than dirty talk," Clarke laughed, reclining back on the sofa again, rubbing her eyes sleepily.

"What can I say, intelligence was always a big turn on for me." Lexa commented with a little yawn, letting her ear press against Clarke's stomach.

Clarke tentatively ran her hand through Lexa's hair, her nails scratching lightly at her scalp.

"I should go home," Lexa whispered after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

For some reason -even though Clarke _remember_ the break up, the yelling, the crying- the sentence really hurt. She shouldn't _be_ saying that, not while she was in her home. That sentence just reiterated that they weren't Clarke and Lexa anymore. She really couldn't imagine what Lexa was going through, how different it must be for her to wrap her head around the fact that they hadn't been together for months now.

She probably didn't understand, not really. To Lexa they were still Clarke and Lexa, the two girls who were so sickeningly perfect for each other that it had their friends constantly rolling their eyes when they were together. The two girls who, from their first date, everyone said were going to get married. The two girls who loved each other so purely and passionately that they thought they were untouchable. Lexa didn't remember the rocky patch, she doesn't remember how draining it was, how they were slowly coming to resent each other. Clarke had no doubt that if Lexa didn't end it when she did it would have ended with them hating one and other, with one of them saying the wrong thing and causing damage that they couldn't fix. They needed space from each other and Lexa was the only one brave enough to initiate that.

"Clarke," Lexa whispered and when Clarke focused her eyes again Lexa was peering up at her, a frown worrying her brow. "You ok?"

"Yeah," Clarke's voice broke as she spoke, a fake smile tugging its way onto her lips.

"You were always a terrible liar." Lexa commented with a cheeky little grin. "I'm going to go home, okay?"

"No," Clarke pushed at Lexa's back when she attempted to sit up. "It's late, you should just crash here and walk home in the morning."

"I drove here so it doesn't matter."

"You drove?"

"Yeah," Lexa replied unsurely. "Why?"

"You wouldn't drive after the accident, you couldn't. You tried once and had a panic attack before you even got to the end of the street."

"Yeah, Lincoln looks a little surprised when I asked where my car keys were but he didn't say anything."

"I'm proud of you, for getting back on the horse, if you will."

"You shouldn't be," Lexa grumbled, her eyes fluttering closed when Clarke began running her fingers through her hair again. "Can't be afraid of what you don't remember, right?"

"Shut up, Lex. Give yourself a little credit." Clarke gave Lexa's eat a little flick, laughing when the girl flinched away and gave her side a little nip.

"Ouch, Clarke! You know I hate that." Lexa whined.

"Let's just go to bed, hm?"

"I can sleep on the couch," Lexa offered tentatively.

"That'd be silly, considering the size of the bed I have." Clarke placed her hands on Lexa's cheeks and playfully moved her head from left to right. "Come on."

"Ok, stop, I've had enough brain injuries for one lifetime," Lexa huffed, shoving Clarke's hands away and standing up.

"I'll get you something to wear,"

Clarke purposely had Lexa the sweater Clarke's liked to wear because that meant it would smell like her again, which was also the reason she gave her her pillow.

* * *

They didn't wake up one pm the following day and Clarke had to convince Lexa to stay for lunch.

Because she was Lexa and of course she was worried about over staying her welcome or overstep Clarke's boundaries.

It was just so Lexa.

Lexa pulled Clarke into an unsure hug, relaxing into it when Clarke hooked on arm around her waist, the other hand sliding up her back to gently hold onto her shoulder.

"I'm really glad we could do this," Clarke whispered before burying her face against Lexa's neck.

"Me too, it was really nice." Lexa said against the side of Clarke's head, a little laugh escaping her throat. "But I suppose this is what I'm still used too."

"I'm here for you, Lexa. If you ever need anything."

"I guess I'm just trying to get used to the fact I'm not with the love of my life anymore," Lexa shrugged as she pulled back, a sad little smile on her face. Lexa's hand caught Clarke's as she stepped back, something she would always do when they were dating. "It is a little confusing."

"I can imagine. If you want to sit down and talk about it all just let me know."

"Thank you," Lexa told a slow step forward, her hand still intertwined with Clarke's as she pressed a tentative, loving kiss to the blonde's cheek. A kiss that had Clarke's heart stuttering in her chest in a way that it hadn't in over a year. "See you later."

"Drive safe," Clarke said, not letting go of Lexa's hand until the very last minute. "Let me know once you are at Lincoln's."

"I will," Lexa flashed Clarke one last smile before disappearing down the stairs.

Clarke's closed the door and leant back against it, a sense of emptiness settling on her chest, the sense of emptiness that had been there since Lexa had broken up with her and hadn't been filled until last night.

God, she really loved that woman.

* * *

They hung out every day for the next five days, Clarke showing Lexa things she had loved but didn't remember.

("What do you _mean_ they brought out a new fallout game!"

"Since when was there a Supergirl TV show?"

"BB-8 is the second cutest thing after Rey.")

Clarke savoured the look of wonderment Lexa had with every 'new' thing she watched. It was a look she had missed the first time around and she wanted to kick herself for that.

"Sorry, I can turn this off if you're bored." Lexa offered when she realised Clarke had completely zoned out, glancing quickly over at her before returning her eyes to her game.

"No, it's fine, honestly." Clarke gave Lexa a reassuring smile. "I'm actually enjoying watching you."

"That's a first," Lexa grinned, a little yelp escaping her lips when a Radscorpion jumped out in front of her.

"Pay attention before you die, loser." Clarke quipped.

"It's not my fault you are distracting," Lexa shot back, her tongue peeking out of the side of her mouth as she took down the multiple enemies that had surrounded her.

"It's the eyes, isn't it?"

"Mhm," Lexa hummed, using her vats to take out her remaining enemies. "And your lips, eyebrow, your nose. Hell, just your whole face in general." Lexa used the little break from fighting she had to reach over and take Clarke's face in between her fingers, giving it a little squeeze. "You are a pretty girl."

"Oh, fuck off, you patronising ass." Clarke knocked Lexa's hand away.

"I will finish this mission and turn it off, we can watch a movie or something."

"No, honestly, I am enjoying just watching you play." Clarke said sincerely and Lexa nodded, still a little unsure.

"Okay, just let me know when you want me to turn it off."

Lexa played her game until well past midnight while Clarke lazied on the sofa, her legs thrown over Lexa's thighs, one arm tucked under her head as she read over some case files in perpetration for returning to work tomorrow.

Lexa's little huff of annoyance caused her to focus on Lexa over the paper she was holding. Her jaw was set and her eyebrows were downturned in a grumpy little frown and in that moment, the moment with Lexa glaring at the tv, one hand still clutching the controller while her other hand fell to Clarke shin, Clarke felt like they were them again. The Clarke and Lexa they were for the first four years of their relationship.

"Goddamn fucking Deathclaws." Lexa grumbled.

A little smile pulled its way onto Clarke's lips as she returned her eyes to her case studies.

She was asleep just after eleven and when she woke up the next day the TV and PlayStation was off but Lexa was still on the same position, her head tilted back as she slept.

Clarke rolled her eyes, the amount of times they had been in this exact position, Clarke falling asleep first and Lexa sleeping in ridiculously uncomfortable positions just so she didn't wake Clarke.

Clarke woke Lexa straight away, informing her that she had to get ready for her first day back but that Lexa could have relaxed there until she was awake enough to head home.

Lexa told her it was fine and left with her, wishing her a good day back.

And it was a good day, she was monumentally more focused than she had been in months an she worked hard so she was exhausted by the time she dragged herself home after fourteen hours.

So when she was still up at three am, yearning for a girl who should be lying beside her.

 _Griff [03:12]: Lex? You up?_

 _Woody [03:14]: no..._

Clarke rolled her eyes with a fond little smile, thinking back to when they first started dating and how that would always be her answer when Clarke asked if she was awake.

 _Griff [03:15]: ah, I see you are still partial to sleep texting_

 _Woody [03:15]: it's an affliction_

 _[03:16]: what's up?_

 _Griff [03:16]: I miss you_

 _Woody [03:17]: you saw me like 10 hours ago_

 _[03:17]: but I miss you too. Lincoln's couch is going to give me a permanent kink in my back._

 _[03:18]: hang on, didn't you have your first shift back, today?_

 _Griff [03:19]: Doesn't Lincoln have a spare room? And yeah, I got home about an hour ago_

 _Woody [03:21]: nah but I shouldn't complain. How did it go? And how come you are still up?_

 _Griff [03:22]: I just can't sleep. It was amazing, I felt like myself again, I felt so much more focused. It was nice. How come you are awake?_

 _Woody [03:24]: that's good! I'm glad you are back to your old self, and I know your patients will be, too. I just couldn't really sleep. I've been looking into what I could do with my degree. Did you know i can go into the special victims unit? Become their DA._

Clarke decided it was probably easer just to call Lexa at this point.

 _"Hey,"_ Lexa breathed and Clarke's chest fluttered at the sound of the woman's voice.

"Hey. Is that what you want? To become a district attorney?"

 _"I didn't think it was, honestly I just wanted to become this big shot lawyer, I wanted to climb my way to the top. While I was using everyone's head as rungs to climb to the top I forgot the reason I wanted to study law in the first place."_ Lexa sighed. _"I wanted to help people. And I'm not talking about rapists and murders like I would have been if I had stayed on the track I was on. This way I can help people who actually deserve it, I can get justice for people who have been hurt by someone else. I could do_ good _."_

"Then go for it, Lex. With your qualifications, coming out top of the class, they'd be lucky to have you. They'll know that as soon as they look at your résumé." Clarke said. "If you would be happier doing that then make it happen. The Lexa Woods I know and love wouldn't take no for an answer."

Lexa laughed, " _Yeah, I think I will go down to the precinct tomorrow."_

"Let me know how that goes,"

 _"I will,"_ Lexa agreed. _"Do you think you could sleep now?"_

"Yeah," Clarke whispered, a little smile on her face. "Yeah, thank you."

 _"For what?"_

"I don't know. Just, being you I suppose."

 _"Well, that's one thing I do reasonable well." Lexa said playfully, making Clarke laugh. "Goodnight, Clarke."_

"Are you going to be able to sleep now?"

 _"Yeah, your voice is calming."_

"Okay. Goodnight, Lexa."

 _"I-" Lexa trained off for a thoughtful few seconds. "Yeah. Night."_

Clarke smiled to herself as she hung up her phone, her face pressed against her pillow like a giddy goddamn teenager.

* * *

The thing about Lexa that Clarke had forgotten in the year after her father's death was that she was the most loving human being Clarke had ever had the pleasure of meeting.

And it wasn't about the grand gestures or Lexa saying the right things.

It was the little things.

Over the past few of weeks she had bought Clarke the book she had been talking about for weeks (granted, it was weeks before Clarke's father accident, weeks ago in Lexa's books but it was over a year ago in Clarke's. Clarke had already bought the book, but it was a nice gesture), she brought Clarke food to the hospital when she knew she had been working stupid hours. She would just sit with Clarke after she had a particularly bad day (Lexa usually playing video games while Clarke pretended to watch), because she was probably the only person who understood that Clarke didn't _want_ to talk about the kid she couldn't save or the mother of three who died at the hands of a drunk driver. It was the little touches of comfort and the stupid little boxes of chocolates she would bring Clarke because, sure they were cheap and gross to everyone else but Clarke _loved_ them.

Lexa was honestly the most unconsciously loving person she had ever met and, God, the whole situation just reminded Clarke of _why_ she fell in love with Lexa in the first place. Why she would continue to fall a little more in love with Lexa every day.

She wanted her girlfriend back but she knew she couldn't do that until Lexa remembered, she couldn't risk having Lexa pull away again once she did remember.

She fell asleep with her arms wrapped around the pillow Lexa had been sleeping on for the past few weeks.

When she woke up she had four texts from Lexa.

 _Woody [02:13]: thinking of you_

 _[02:13]: I know you are asleep_

 _[02:14]: I've just been thinking about you all day and I was going to text you earlier but I didn't know what was off limits you know? I know to you we've been broken up so I feel like I shouldn't say the things that to me are normal_

 _[02:15]: I guess I'm really sleep drunk and that's why I'm saying all this. Sorry, to you we haven't been us for a while, you've had time to get over it, over me. And I don't know if you have but I'm wondering if I need to start getting over it too?_

Clarke read over the messages, her stomach dropping at the thought of Lexa just lying there, thinking that Clarke was over her. Thinking that she had to get over Clarke.

She called Lexa as soon as she finished reading the messages.

 _"'Ello?"_ Lexa grumbled.

"Hey, sleepyhead." Clarke said softly.

Lexa was silent for a few seconds before she spoke again, in a gruff voice. _"Clarke, hey."_

"Did I wake you?"

 _"That doesn't matter, how are you?"_

"Good, I need to get up and get ready for a twenty hour heart surgery but good."

 _"Jeez, good luck with that."_

Clarke hummed, gnawing on her bottom lip as she thought about her next words carefully. "I'm scared," she whispered because she had no idea what else she was supposed to say to address the whole situation she was thinking about the previous night.

 _"Of what?"_

"That you will remember and start pulling away again. I'm scared that things with us will get back on track then I will lose you again." Clarke admitted. "I love you, Lexa. I love you so much and I couldn't take losing you again."

 _"I don't know what to say other than that isn't going to happen, not ever again." Lexa swore. "And I'm going to be in your life for the rest of your life, in what capacity that's up to you but I can't live without you." Lexa huffed. "I mean, sure, I_ could _, cause this isn't come cheesy romance movie, but I really fucking hope I never have too."_

"Wow, you should save that last sentence for our wedding vows."

Lexa laughed at the playful remark. _"I'm here, Clarke. Whenever you're ready I'm here."_

"Thank you, for understanding."

 _"Sure. Now, go get ready to literally rip someone's heart out."_

"That's not what heart surgery is-"

 _"Fixed someone's broken heart, then. Whatever." Lexa said dismissively. "Just go be a hero."_

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

 _"Of course, how else am I going to complete fallout?"_

"You could take the PlayStation to Lincoln's place,"

 _"Nah, I like playing it with you around." Lexa admitted. "Okay, go. I want to go back to sleep."_

"Bye, Lexa."

 _"See you soon."_

* * *

Clarke didn't get home until three am the following morning and she had crashed on the couch almost instantly but she was being startled awake by a few loud bangs on her door.

She wished she could say she was surprised that it was Lexa on the other side, completely soaked through like she had been that night two and a half months ago.

"Lexa you can't keep showing up at my door like this."

"I was an asshole." Lexa announced. "I remember and, fuck, Clarke, I'm sorry for how I acted."

Clarke blinked in surprise, "You remember? Everything?"

Lexa nodded, a droplet of water rolling down her nose. "And I know it wasn't my fault, I _know_ that. I feel sad, I felt like you blamed me, even if you told me you didn't." Lexa took ahold of Clarke's hands, gently pulling her closer. "You were hurting, you were in so much pain and I was wallowing in self pity." Lexa's eyes were filled with tears as she leant her forehead again Clarke's. "I'm so fucking sorry."

Clarke's own eyes welled up as Lexa spoke, her bottom lip quivering.

"And I thought waking up from a fucking coma and being told I had lost you was bad but actually living through- remembering the break up; I've never felt heart break like that."

"How? How did you remember?"

"I was just driving down the street and suddenly it all came crashing back to me. It was the street the accident happened, it must've triggered something," Lexa laughed humourlessly. "I almost fucking crashed again."

"Please don't pull away from me again," Clarke begged, her eyes fluttering closed as Lexa brought her hands up to cup her neck, her own hands coming up to grip onto Lexa's forearms.

"Never again, Clarke." Lexa swore. "I'm going to go see someone, I'm going to get help because there is no way in hell in losing you again."

Clarke's eyes fluttered open to see Lexa's eyes were already boring into her.

"I _can't_ lose you again."

"You won't. You won't," Clarke sounded almost frantic, allowing Lexa to push her chin up with her thumbs.

"I can't- I can't stand not sleeping next to you. I can't stand not waking up next to you or walking into the kitchen and not seeing you standing there in _my_ clothes cooking something you would no doubt burn. I can't _stand_ us not being us anymore."

"Me either,"

"Then I'm going to do something I've wanted to do for weeks,"

"What-" Clarke didn't get to finish her question because Lexa was kissing her firmly on the lips and, God, has Clarke missed this.

Sure, Lexa's lips were cold and her pyjamas were getting soaked as Lexa pushed herself up against Clarke but Clarke really couldn't bring herself to care. She was kissing the woman she loved for the first time in what felt like forever.

"We really need to get you out of these wet clothes," Clarke breathed hotly against Lexa's lips as she made easy work of the buttons on her shirt.

"Didn't you just do a twenty hour surgery?" Lexa said but didn't show any resistance when Clarke pushed her shirt off her shoulders.

"Mhm," Clarke hummed but didn't falter in her assault on Lexa's neck.

"And don't you have work tomorrow?"

"Yup," Clarke chirped, pushing Lexa back up against the door and pulled back to look at Lexa, her eyes soft. "But we can stop?"

"Fuck no," Lexa replied instantly, her eyes raking down Clarke's body. "My only problem here is now you are wearing wet clothes so we really need to get you out of them, too."

"You better hurry up, it's getting kinda chilly."

Lexa easily pulled Clarke's shirt off, her hand pressing against the girls stomach as she smiled softly over at Clarke. "I really fucking love you," she breathed, sounding almost dazed.

"Prove it,"

It was a challenge and Lexa would be damned if she ever backed down from a challenge.

"Yes, ma'am," she said before easily hiking Clarke's legs around her waist and carrying her into their bedroom.


End file.
